How To Have A Proper Meltdown On Your 48th Birthday

I should have stopped at the honeymoon. The honeymoon was great, the honeymoon was ideal, the honeymoon was enough, and I should have stopped at the honeymoon.

I had looked forward to it, I had prepared for it, and I had mastered it.

I had eaten well in preparation for a high dose of too many restaurants.
I had slept as much as I could so that I wouldn't mind a few late nights.
I had worked enough so that I wouldn’t have to open my laptop.
I had connected with my friends, my family, my dog, so as to be able to unplug as much as I could. I had packed like a pro. I had my night essentials and my day essentials and my “just in case” essentials.

AND IT HAD WORKED.

I had come back home still fresh, still myself, still happy, and I had gained just enough weight to prove to myself that I had had fun, but not enough to have to reopen The Closet Of The Stretchy and Roomy Doom.

I had ordered many salads, not much wine, and taken my magnesium dutifully every evening in order to keep my digestive system …